Jokes 'R' Us

28th September 2007

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, naked on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram,
and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies,
"What did he say about your 55-year old arse?"
She replied,
"Your name didn't come up."

17th September 2007

The Seven Dwarfs ...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,
rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks,
as they begin chanting....
"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely,
so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up.
You know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it....
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night.
Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"
She says,
"That sounds fantastic ...but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

18th March 2007

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007, WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12 You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building.
One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother, who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said...
"I think so, Provided those w**kers at Jewson deliver the f***ing bricks."...

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around back there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

New job.

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and Offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes The Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no Holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is Outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort), pass by.
He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who Says...?
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

27th January 2007

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!".
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them,
"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house, a beach front villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage I am not sure what I should do, what do you suggest ?"
At this point, the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You shag her again!"

16th January 2007

Why Parents Drink !

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.....
"ME."

12th November 2006

Dr. Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say,
"Dave dont worry about it.
You aren't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you wont be the last and you are single, just let it go"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
Whispering
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
"Dave you're a f***ing VET"

30th October 2006

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
(Wait for it)
.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

A woman was in a coma for several months, one day the nurses noticed a slight response while washing her fanny.
They rushed to her husband, and explained, suggesting a little oral sex might bring her round, to which he agreed.
A few minutes later, her monitor flatlined, no pulse or heart beat.
The nurses rushed in.
"What happened?" they cried.
The husband said,
" I don't know, I think she choked"

25th October 2006

Tommy Cooper Jokes

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

24th October 2006

The Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

18th August 2006

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little just out of the corner of his left eye.

21st August 2006

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

1. The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
2. Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
3. A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He Asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
4. A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing Particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."